Knock Knock Who's there ! Butter ! Butter who ? Butter wrap up - it's cold out here !
One evening, a Counselor saw Max on his hands and knees. 'What are you doing?' she asked. 'I'm looking for my dollar bill,' Max replied. 'I lost it down the road.' 'Why don't you look for it there?' 'Because the light's better here!'
Fred's class was taken to the Natural History Museum in New York. "Did you enjoy yourself?" asked her mother when she got home. "Oh, yes," replied Fred. "But it was funny going to a dead zoo."
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut? A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second.
The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, "I think you're wanted on the phone, sir." "What d'you mean, you think?" demanded the boss. "Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'is that you, you old fool?"
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died? A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: Why do Blondes wear padded shoulders? A: So they don't get a concussion while bobbing their from head side to side as they are saying "I don't know?" whenever you ask them a question.
Why did the tornado get arrested? -For speeding, theft, vandalism, assault and murder
Did you hear about the Omaha mother who got tired of putting name tags on her son's shirts, so she had his name legally changed to "Machine Washable"?
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling... "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
How can you mend King Kong's arm if he's twisted it? With a monkey wrench.
This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy." The friend replies "How so?" "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"
How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate? By reading street signs.
"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. " 'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . ." "Fred," said the teacher. "You must have known that Wisk's bad for parrots." "Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier."
Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ? It was a moth ball !
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?" "Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out! "Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!" The bartender does nothing. So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again. "Jesus! He just jumped again!" The bartender ignores the man. So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink. "How did you survive that jump?".."I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float." So the guy quickly orders a 'floatie' drink. He takes it from the bartender, and chugs it. He then jumps out the window and...SPLAT! Right on the sidewalk! The Bartender then say s, "You know, Superman...you can be a real jerk when you're drunk."
Q: What are 3 two letter words that say small? A: Is it in.
What do you call an overweight ET ? An extra cholesterol !