When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failed experiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was a demagogue. When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evil empire, I knew he was a dangerous kook. When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War by escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclear annihilation. When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated its past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan had nothing to do with it. Because if that fool Reagan was right all along... ...what kind of fool am I?
A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wif e just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.
Why should you always refuse to lend an Ape money? It's dangerous to let him put the bite on you!
What do reindeer say before telling you a joke ? This one will sleigh you !
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a telephone. Doctor: Why's that? I keep getting calls in the night.
Why do elephants jump across rivers? So they won't step on the fish.
How does an elephant go up a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Who invented King Arthur's round table ? Sir Circumference !
What did Noah do while spending time on the ark ? Fished, but he didn't catch much. He only had two worms !
Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews: "Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine." "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the p lane immediately." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..." "If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..." Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults ac ting like children." Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...! Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!" As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Pl ease do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it."
What's a toads favourite sweet ? Lollihops !
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Camp Doctor: Your cough sounds better today! Camper: It should, I practised all night!
A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
Why was the centipede late ? Because he was playing "This little Piggy" with his baby brother !
Why did the pig send his story to New York? He wanted to be published on Pork Avenue.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cheese ! Cheese who ? Cheese a jolly good fellow !
An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."
The hog was a failure as a TV talk show host What happened? He turned out to be a big boar.