Did you hear about the blonde who put "Sagittarius" at the bottom of application forms where it said "Sign Here".
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Patient: Doc, what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth? Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood.
Teacher: Where is the English Channel ? Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up
A cannibal's dillema: If God didn't want us to eat people, why did he make them out of meat?
Q: Why did the blonde jump off the cliff? A: She thought her maxi pad had wings
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Where do werewolves stay when they're on vacation? At the Howliday Inn!
Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second, "My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?". The second guy says, "Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit." So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says, "Did you see it?". "Sure!", says his buddy. "Where did it go?", the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a minute and says, "I can't remember."
Did you hear about the cannibals who captured a scrawny old hunter? It sure gave them something to chew over.
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people. Doctor: Tell me about your problem. Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!
Q: What kind of work does a weak cat do? - A: Light mouse work.
Q: What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper? - A: RUFF!
Kowalski and Janzek left Hamtramack and went out in the woods looking for Christmas trees. They looked all day without any luck. Near nightfall Kowalski finally said, "Janzek, I'm takin' the next tree we come to, whether it has lights on it or not!"
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. "Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches." "I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
What kind of watch is best for people who don't like time on their hands? A pocket watch.
What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head? A: Sweet fuck all.
What type of people do vampires like? Type O positive people.
I was an Air Force ICBM launch control officer in South Dakota. Two officers pulled 24-hour alerts in a launch control center that was surrounded by several Minuteman II silos. The facility and the silos were separated by several miles. We were not allowed to leave the "capsule" until relieved the next day, and we were supported by several on-site personnel in the support building upstairs. The capsules were Spartan, but each boasted a small refrigerator and a small microwave. On one tour of duty, the cook called down around lunch time and informed us that she was cleaning her oven and that hot food would be unavailable for a short time. Later, around supper time, she called down again and apologized that she had dismantled her oven to clean it, was having trouble reassembling it, and would again be unable to heat our food orders. We were somewhat annoyed, but, being the kinder, gent ler military officers we were, told her "No problem. Just send down the frozen meals and we'll 'nuke' them ourselves." Several seconds of dead silence on the phone followed before she whispered, "You can DO that?" :