Policeman: I've had my eye on you for some time now. Young Lady: That's funny. I thought you were arresting me for speeding.
Police Chief: Why are you putting handcuffs on that building? Officer: I'm making a house arrest
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith. The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown. The geek passes out. The big guy fans him and brings him too. Why did you pass out he asked? The geek replies, what did you say your name was? Turner Brown he replies. Oh God the geek says I thought you said "TURN AROUND".
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President Clinton's election? A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!
Boy: Did you know you can get fur from a three headed mountain monster? Girl: Really? What kind of fur? Boy: As fur away as possible!
How does the pig farmer get to the fair? He rides piggyback.
What do elephants say as a compliment ? You look elephantastic !
Brian was dating Lorraine and they were very close. While they were dating he met another woman named Clearly and wanted to start dating her but felt that he should be faithful to Lorraine. So he continued to date Lorraine. One day Brian took Lorraine on a walk in the woods by the river. As they were walking near the river Lorraine fell in and was washed away. Brian softly sang, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine has gone..."
An American tourist is visiting China. After visiting all the tourist attractions he decides to inquire about the people and askes his guide: "How large is the population here?" "Around 1.5 billion" -- the guide answers American, After a short pause: "So, what else do you do here?"
What fish only swims at night ? A starfish !
The cannibal king was having dinner when a servant came running in. "Your Majesty," he said, "the slaves are revolting!" "You don't have to tell me," said the king. "I'm trying to eat them. "Where did we get these slaves anyway?" "From the country next door," replied the servant. "We must get a new butcher," said the king. "Bring me Delia Smith." "We can't, Your Majesty, she's still cooking for you." "Well, bring her to me once she's crispy enough," said the king.
Monster: Stick 'em down. Ghost: Don't you mean, stick 'em up. Monster: No wonder I'm not making much money in this business.
Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door? A: The knocking always speeds up.
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi
Willie: "I have an awful toothache." Tommie: "I'd have it taken out if it was mine." Willie: "Yes, if it was yours, I would, too."
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space ? He wanted to find Pluto !
Who was the most powerful cat in China ? Chairman Miaow !