What do you get when you cross a pig with an elephant? A very large animal that knows a lot of jokes.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a slice of bread. Doctor: You've got to stop loafing around.
Teacher: What are the Great Plains? Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16!
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Who doesn't like to sit in front of the fire? A Snowman.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Bing ! Bing who ? Bing down the house !
While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her. A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?" After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."
You mama's so skinny ....she can hang glide with a dorito!
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The heoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job. But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? Because I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
A man coughed violently, and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he said, "whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set." "Don't worry," said his friend. "I'll get a pair from my brother for you." The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted perfectly. "This is wonderful," said the man. "Your brother must be a very good dentist." "Oh, he's not a dentist," replied the friend, "he's an undertaker."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Candice ! Candice who ? Candice get any better !
Who is the most famous French ant ? Napoleant !
One vampire to the other : " Let's go and have a drink.I know a cosy little mortuary just round the corner"!
Customer: How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered? Waiter: Well, you know how slow turtles are.
"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!" "Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"
Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To keep their pants up.
What do you call a Welshman who writes lots of letters ? Pen Gwyn !
What is a moo hoo for steak that came late? Filet delay!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Anatole ! Anatole who ? Anatole me you're a pain in the neck !