What do stupid kids do at Halloween ? They carve a face on an apple and go bobbing for pumpkins !
What do you call a fight between film actors ? Star wars !
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? A: They are both substitute meats.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Balloon ! Balloon who ? Balloon velvet !
How do comedians send messages? By tee-hee mail.
How did Dr Frankenstein pay the men who built his monster? On a piece rate.
How can you tell a dog from an elephant? The elephant remembers.
Why do cows think cooks are mean? They whip cream!
How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew? When it has hares in it.
How do spacemen pass the time on long trips ? They play astronauts and crosses !
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party? Invite an accountant.
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Yo mama so poor she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please
Did you hear about the doctor who crossed a parrot with a vampire ? It bit his neck, sucked his blood, and said, 'Who's a pretty boy then ?'!
A fish walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "What would you like?" the fish says holding his neck, "Water".
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."
Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor? For hare care.
Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.