How to elephants talk to each other ? By 'elephone !
An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
Q: What do you call a frog with no hind legs? A: Unhoppy!!
Q: What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross? - A: A first-aid kit!
A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game". They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer. "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too." "Very clever!" remarks the other patron. Just then they are interrupted as another patron, who is looking out the window, says, "Hey! Are you the guy with those damn blind kids from the bus?" "Yes," says the teacher, stung by the way "his" kids are being refered to, "what about it? You got something against blind kids?" "Nothing, ordinarily," says the guy, still scowling out the window, r "but you better get them rounded up quick! They're kicking the hell out of my best milk cow!"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alice ! Alice who ? Alice N. Tew if you'll listen to me !
Q: What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
How do fireflies start a race? Ready, steady, glow!
Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today." "What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em." "Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you calling from?"
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? A: She moved.
Q: Why do hens lay eggs? A: If they dropped them, they'd break
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? A: They have big fingers.
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. "Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." "Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometres, say a Mercedes convertible." The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are you kidding?" "Yeah. But you started it."
If the world is getting smaller, why do postal rates keep going up?
A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde replied, ''What for? Are you going to set it on fire!''
Why did the chicken end up in the soup ? Because it ran out of cluck !
Knock Knock Who's there ! Alec ! Alec who ? Alec-tricity. Isn't that a shock !
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Why is Easter like whipped cream and a cherry? Because it's always on a sundae!