My sister wanted to marry a man clever enough to make a lot of money but dumb enough to spend it on her !
A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. "What's wrong?" asked his mother. "Do people really come from dust, like they said in church?" he sobbed. "In a way they do," said his mother. "And when they die so they turn back to dust?" "Yes, they do." The little boy began to cry again. "Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going."
What is the bank manager's favourite type of football ? Fiver side !
What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea ? A catameringue !
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed. To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?" "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Belize ! Belize who ? Belize yourself then !
A realty salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water. "That customer's going to come back here pretty mad," he said to his boss. "Should I give him his money back?" "Money back?" roared the boss. "What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat."
First cannibal: We had burglars last night. Second cannibal: Did they taste good?
What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.
Q: What do you get when you cross a perm with a rabbit? A: Curly hare.
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride. A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on. As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front o f the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead. The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!" The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain.
What is another word for a python ? A mega-bite !
Knock Knock Who's there ? Chef ! Chef who ? Chef Bridges !
If the State of the Union is really "the best it's ever been" Why do we "need" dozens of new government programs to fix it!
Where would you take a ghost for lunch? Pizza Haunt!
Q. A fireman had two sons. What did he name them? A. Hosea and Hoseb
Customer: "Why didn't you tell me I have call waiting?" Tech Support: "Sir, we have no way of knowing if you have call waiting." Customer: "Well, you should ask everybody!" Tech Support: "Do you have call waiting?" Customer: "What's that?"
What does a bunny use when it goes fishing? A harenet.