What happens when geese land in a volcano ? They cook their own gooses !
Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge ? Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !
May: What position does your brother play in the school football team ? Jay: I think he's one of the drawbacks !
Are hamburgers male? Yes, because they're boygers, not girlgers!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
What does the bee Santa Claus say ? Ho hum hum !
What couple rode a horse up a hill to fetch a pail of water? Jockey and Jill!
Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour ? A jet propelled elephant !
A man was staying in a big old house and in the middle of the night he met a ghost. The ghost said, "I have been walking these corridors for 300 years." The man said, "in that case, can you tell me the way to the toilet?"
Q: What do you call a Blind Dinosaur? A: Do-ya-think-he-saurus.
What did the bus conductor say to the frog? Hop on.
How do nuns surf the web? On the Hymnternet.
Q: How many Virgos does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.
Brother: How do you top a car ? Sister: Tep on the brake, tupid.
What do you get if you cross a cow with a tension headache? A bad mood!
Horror Stories by R. U. Scared
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
Then there was the Puerto Rican surgeon who made medical history. He performed the first appendix transplant.