Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Knock Knock Who's there ! Blanche ! Blanche who ? Blanche not !
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup ! Don't worry sir, they don't eat much !
Where do fish come from? Finland!
Knock knock Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who's there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana ?
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
Two men are talking. The first sez, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes." "Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," the boy replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," the boy replied. "Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"
Where do astronauts leave their spaceships? At parking meteors.
As horses say to one another. Any friend of yours is a palomino!
What did the woodworm say to the chair ? It's been nice gnawing you !
Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Policeman: Why were you speeding? Motorist: I was trying to get home before I ran out of gas.
What's the difference between a sick elephant and seven days ? One is a weak one and the other one week !
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...." "Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like?" The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him?" At that, the man got up , covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
Do you know what a mice said when it saw a bat? Mom ! I see an angel.
Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said: "Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"
Why did the boy put candles on the toilet? He wanted to have a birthday potty!