Why are dolphins cleverer than humans ? Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish !
Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son?" he asked. "You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!" "Really? How'd you do that?" "I dropped the ball."
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Q: How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? A: Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f****** freezing!"
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher? One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
Knock Knock Who's there ? Cotton ! Cotton who ? Cotton a trap !
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit. Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit." After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?" "It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."
Why did the Aggie call 911 in the car wash? - He thought he saw the rotating car washer as a tornado
Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.
What lights up a football stadium? A football match!
Q: When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first? A: Who cares!
Who sits on Cinderella's keyboard? Buttons.
What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davy, what noise does a cow make?" "It goes moo." "Alice, what noise does a cat make?" "It goes meow." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" "It goes baaa." "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?" "Errr.., it goes.. click!"
Where did the pilgrims land when they came to America? On their feet!
Knock Knock Who's there ! Agnes ! Agnes who ? Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe !
Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true....Comet cleans sinks!