School Doctor: Have you ever had trouble with appendicitis? Fred: Only when I tried to spell it.
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said," I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
What would you hear at a cow concert? Moo-sic!
A computer geek goes to prison for fraud, they put him in a cell with a 300LB guy, Having heard what happens to geeks in prison and being nervous he figures he had better introduce himself, He extends his hand and says with a quivering voice, Hi my name is John Smith. The big guy who actually is a nice guy extends his and says my name is Turner Brown. The geek passes out. The big guy fans him and brings him too. Why did you pass out he asked? The geek replies, what did you say your name was? Turner Brown he replies. Oh God the geek says I thought you said "TURN AROUND".
What instrument do piggys play in a band? Pigcussion!
There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Dirty Harry Barbie ...comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says, "Go ahead >giggle< Make my day!"
Mother: What do you mean, the school must be haunted ? Daughter: Well, the principal kept going on about the school spirit.
Q. Why did the line dancer cross the dance floor? A. To get to the other (Electric) Slide!
What did Mrs Revere say when Paul got on a gorilla to warn the farmers that the British were coming? Paul, stop monkeying around!
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
Knock Knock Who's there ! Buddy ! Buddy who ? Buddyfingers !
What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ? She had mittens !
What did the really ugly man do for a living? He posed for Halloween masks.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
What do you get if you cross a telephone with an iron? A smooth operator!
What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana.
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries - that's my girl. Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette ? A blonde doing cartwheels.