Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
I love the lines men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head.
Why do the elephants have short tails ? Because they can't remember long stories !
Patron: Hey, there's a fly in my soup! Waiter: Why are you complaining? Isn't it cooked?
Two astronauts went to a bar on the moon, but they left after a few minutes ? You see, it had no atmosphere !
Why were you late ? Sorry, teacher, I overslept. You mean you need to sleep at home too !
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents." "What on earth do you mean???" "Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!
What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits' home? A search warren!
A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished. When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, ''I don't want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.''
Who Saw Him Go? by Wendy Leeve
A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."
Hello? Fred's Restaurant. Hello! I'd like to know, do you serve crabs? We serve anyone, sir! Come on in!
What do ghosts use to phone home? A terror-phone.
Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time? Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!
Which vampire tried to eat James Bond? Ghouldfinger.
Have you seen www.quasimodo.com? I'm not sure, but certainly rings a bell.
Q: What directions did the ghost give the goblin? A: "Make a fright turn at the corner."
What did the dog take when he was run down? The license number of the car that hit him.
What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette ? A blonde doing cartwheels.