What question must always be answered, "Yes"? "What does Y-E-S spell?"
Knock Knock Who's there ! Betsy ! Betsy who ? Betsy of all, it's a cadillac !
What is the cow's holiday greeting? Mooooory Christmas!
Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn't find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn't produce it. "What's wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby. She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts. "I can't find a dividend," she said and started crying again. "Don't worry," said the creature. "I can find you one." "How?" said the oil company, "And who are you?" "I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you." "Yes, yes!" she said, anxious only to get the dividend. The accountant disap peared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers. "I've found you a dividend," he said. Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed. The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before. "I know what you're thinking," smiled the accountant. "You're quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre." "Then change back!" said t he oil company, clapping her hands. "Are you crazy?" said the accountant. "Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold."
Patient: Hey, that tooth you pulled wasn't the one I wanted pulled. Dentist: Relax, I'm coming to it.
What do little pigs want to be when they grow up? Garbage collectors.
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla!
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water. "What kind of salesman are you?" the boss scolded. "Get out there and sell him a boat."
What happened when the Ape won the door prize? He didn't take it - he already had a door!
Why is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? Because if you don't C sharp you'll B flat.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that got pregnant for the second time? A: She asked her husband if they needed to get married again.
Q: Why did the blonde only smell good on the right side? A: She didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
What is a frog's favorite dance? The Lindy Hop.
How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull-dozer.
Did you hear about the monster who had an extra pair of hands? Where did he keep them? In a handbag.
If a fifty cent piece and a quarter were on the Empire State Building, which would jump off first? The quarter, because it has less sense (cents).
Yo mama is so poor when her friend came over to use the bathroom she said ok, choose a corner.