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A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?" The man said, "I've come to install the phone."

What's big and grey and wears a mask ? The elephantom of the opera !

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football ? Fiver side !

Yo mama so poor I stepped in her house and I was in the backyard.

What did the woodworm say to the chair ? It's been nice gnawing you !

Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

Why was the ladybird kicked out of the forest? Because she was a litter bug.

Little monster: Mom, I've finished. Can I leave the table? Mommy monster: Yes, I'll save it for your supper.

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke. His Mother said, "Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uhh, oh yeah, O.K." responded the kid. So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?" "Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him." "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you going crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him. "Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady. "Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.

How do you stop an angry elephant from charging ? Take away it's credit cards !

Have you seen If I have, I'm not going to tell you.

Mother: Let me see your report son. Son: Here it is, Mother, but don't show it to Dad. He's been helping me !

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit? A: Will the defendant please rise.

Why, if the best things in life are free, the next-best things are so expensive?

What did one bell say to the other? "Be my valenchime!"

Who looks after the EuroDisney website? Mick e-mouse.

What do you call an aardvark that's just won a fight? A well 'aardvark!

At a party, a conjurer was producing egg after egg from a little boy's ear. "There!" he said proudly. "I bet your Mum can't produce eggs without hens, can she?" "Oh yes, she can," said the boy. "She keeps ducks."