A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
What do astronauts wear to bed? Space Jammies!
Have you heard about the slippery eel ? Didn't think so, you wouldn't be able to grasp it !sna
Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage? She's afraid they'll bring down the house.
Would you rather have a 300-pound dog chase you or a tiger? I'd rather have him chase the tiger.
Q: What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? A: Laughing stock.
When is a pig an ecologist? When he recycles garbage into ham.
One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"
What do blondes and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up!
What dog sweats the most and drinks the most water? A hot-weiler!
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating? A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks,''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''
What did you say to the policeman who spent eight hours on the Internet? Oh give it arrest.
What did one ghost say to another? I'm sorry, but I just don't believe in people.
Why was Cinderella able to surf the web? Because he footman turned into a mouse.
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
A little boy came downstairs crying late one night. ' What's wrong ?' asked his mother. Do people really come from dust, like they said in church ? he sobbed. 'In a way they do,' said his mother. ' And when they die do the turn back to dust ?'. 'Yes, they do.' The little boy began to cry again. ' Well, under my bed there's someone either coming or going !'
Shall I tell you the joke about the bed? No, because it hasn't been made up yet.
If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs? None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.
Waiter, I can't eat this meat, it's crawling with maggots ! Quick, run to the other end of the table and grab it as it goes by !