Did you hear about the two peanuts walking in the woods? One was "a-salted."
Rumor has it that the new Miami baseball team will be called "Humidity" so that fans in Florida will be able to say, "It's not the Heat that's so bad, it's the Humidity."
Why do men act like idiots? Who says they're acting?
If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed... Oh, wait a minute, he already does.
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this s hack?" St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
What happened to the horse that swallowed a dollar bill? It bucked!
Can you name two burgers who are royalty? Sir Loin and Burger King!
Waiter: If you know the food here is so lousy, why do you keep coming back? Customer: It reminds me of my ex-wife's cooking.
How can if you have a stupid dog ? It chases parked cars !
Why did the artist put on a show of horse paintings? He wanted to mount an exhibit!
Q: What is dumber than the Blonde jokes above? A: Me for wasting hours editing and typing these damn things.
Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!
How do you make an elephant sandwich? First of all, you get a very large loaf...
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ? Santapplause !
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia? A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
All Aboard! by Abel Seamann
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.
Where did the burgers go after their wedding? On a bun-eymoon!
What do you call a Scottish parrot ? A Macaw !