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Make a firm decision now...you can always change it later.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

A lie has no legs to stand on, but it gets places.

If having sex is like riding a bike, I must own a uni-cycle.

If winning isn't important then why keep score?

I have amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss.

Practice makes perfect...but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.

I don't know how to fry toilet paper, but I can brown it on one side.

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

At my age, I've begun to regret the sins I did not commit.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.

I've decided to take a wife...I just haven't decided whose yet.

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.