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Money can't buy happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.

Everyone in the office is sick. Apparently, it is a staff infection.

When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.

So what if you can't spell Armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

Sometimes I think that the only way you can get stupider is to get bigger.

It's not pretty being easy.

Practice makes perfeckt.

Today's program is brought to you by Oil of Olay, the favorite oil of Spanish bull fighters.

Do deaf gynecologists read lips?

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a like having a peeing section in a pool.

You're damn right I'm good in bed. I can stay there all day.

Youth is stranger than fiction

I am not honking because I love Jesus - I'm honking 'cause you can't drive

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horsebackriding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.