Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill out.
Love is like a rash. It only feels good if you get to scratch it.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
I was raised by my father. My mother left before I was born.
Rented cars are the only true "all terrain vehicle".
I find that planning my future saves me from regretting my past.
I'm the head of the household, but my wife is the neck...and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
People with dogs are too cowardly to bite for themselves.
Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face on a Playboy centerfold.
Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
My husband is always online trying to find useless facts. I'm afraid he is an infomaniac.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty are "XL".
Do deaf gynecologists read lips?
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna really did have a first name.
Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist.