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Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

I'm not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.

Don't ever confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.

Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Life is like a penis. Soft and hanging freely. It's women that make it hard.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?

Sex is a three-letter word which needs some four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Just plead the Fifth ...or drink it ... either way.

Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.

I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.

I'm retired and this is as dressed up as I'm gonna get.

I feel like a 20-year-old. But there's never one around.

Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

Did any of you married people out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

Don't Be Sexist. Broads hate that.