If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought, "if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me".
I don't like the new copier I just bought. It says put face down, but every time I do it, it blinds my eyes.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the one that made it.
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I don't get even, I get older.
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.
A walrus is like Tupperware...they both like a tight seal.
There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.
A diplomat is a person who thinks twice before he says nothing.
She's so cheap, she got a part time boob job.
Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.
There are no new sins ... the old ones are just get more publicity.
I may have a vacuum between my ears, but a least it's better than nothing.
If a 9 year old is clever enough to play video games, he's smart enough to run the washing machine....
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Nothing written in fine print is ever good news.