If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I've got it made. I've got a wife and a TV set...and they're both working.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry?
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
There are more men than women in mental hospitals...which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Never deprive someone of hope; it may be all they have.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
I am not going bald... I'm getting more head.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
A young hooker uses Vaseline to get it in...an old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Did any of you married people out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, Mom, go for it!
God created man before woman... but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.