I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.
A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
My wife came home one day and said, "Look honey, I lost 15 pounds." I said, "If you look behind you, you'll find it."
Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.
Golf has more rules than any other game because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal.
We wanted a house that looked lived in, so we bought all our furniture from the YMCA.
If I can be of any help, you're in worse shape than I thought.
Sometimes I think that the only way you can get stupider is to get bigger.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I tried to go see a pirate movie, but they wouldn't let me in. It was rated arrrrrr!
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
They say that love is the answer, but sex raises some pretty good questions.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
Last night our high school band played Beethoven. Beethoven lost, 12 to 7.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.