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In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

The closest thing he had to a brainstorm was a slow drizzle.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

Wipe your mouth. There's still a tiny bit of bullshit around your lips.

How important does a man have to be before he's considered assassinated instead of just murdered ?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Don't teach your children the value of a dollar. If they find out , they'll ask for two

I am not honking because I love Jesus - I'm honking 'cause you can't drive

The hardest thing in life is to do nothing - 'cause you never know when your finished.

Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane.

I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.

You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off!

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.

I Have a degree in Liberal Arts. Do you want fries with that?

An abstainer is a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

The difference between earning a good living and living a good life, is enjoying what you do.

Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.