Miss Piggy's last words, I'm pink, therefore I'm ham.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
A 400 pound woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
The best measure of someone's honesty is the zero adjust on their bathroom scale.
A bachelor is like a modern cleanser: works fast and leaves no ring.
I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
Love is a fire. Whether it will warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
Our marriage is like a workshop. I work and my wife shops.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
My life has a superb cast...I just can't figure out the plot.
No matter how thin you slice it there are always two sides.
'Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost.
May the roof above us never fall in and the friends below never fall out.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba The Hut?
My mind is like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.