Golf has more rules than any other game because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
Did you hear about the new 'morning after' pill for men ? It changes their blood type.
The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled...
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
A chicken coop always has two doors. If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things that money can buy.
My brother is so stupid, he took Viagra so he could join Up With People.
When I die, bury me on my stomach and let the world kiss my ass.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
As smile is a curve that can set things straight.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Did you hear about the shopkeeper who was making a fortune selling thong bikinis? They were going for fifty dollars a crack.
Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends?
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.