Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but how much it's going to cost for them to do it.
Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says "how do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow." I said "you're obviously not listening."
They say that alcohol kills slowly... So what? Who's in a hurry?
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
I stopped at two gas stations today. I robbed the first one so I could pay the second.
Making love is great, but sometimes don't you just wanna get laid?
If it's not going according to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
My wife dresses to kill. Too bad she cooks the same way.
Some girls get minks the same way minks get minks.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims.