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Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

I may have a vacuum between my ears, but a least it's better than nothing.

I'm retired and this is as dressed up as I'm gonna get.

How many roads must a man travel down...before he admits he is lost.

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

If you are living on the edge, make sure you are wearing your seatbelt.

To err is human. To forgive is highly unlikely.

Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on Viagra? He's a little stiff now.

If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.

The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

My wife wanted to renew our vows. I told her I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought, "if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me".

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

Just plead the Fifth ...or drink it ... either way.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, Mom, go for it!

How would you like to donate a pint of blood through the nose?

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.