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Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a like having a peeing section in a pool.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

I have an intense desire to return to the womb...anybody's.

To err is human. To forgive is highly unlikely.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

We put the fun in dysfunctional.

The definition of henpecked. : A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife.

My wife told me that I have a VCR: Very Cute Rear

The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.

If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows.

I never turn my back on my friends, I don't trust them that much.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

I live the same as I type: Fast and with lots of mistakes.

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

I'm such a terrible lover, I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

If my computer performs one more illegal operation, I'm going to report it to the authorities.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.