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I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

An abstainer is a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I'm on a diet.

Have you ever noticed that if you're wearing tight shoes, you forget all about your problems?

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents ?

Hospitality is the art of making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were

Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.

Golf has more rules than any other game because golf has more cheaters than any other game.

At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless.

Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.

Men are like vacations...They never seem to last long enough.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

It's not pretty being easy.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.