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The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Sterility is not hereditary.

I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.

Why is Wednesday called "Hump Day" when most people get laid on the weekends?

My penmanship is nothing to write home about.

There is nothing more uncommon than common sense.

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

The only way to have safe sex is to abstain... from drinking.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I've decided to take a wife...I just haven't decided whose yet.

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.

A happily married man is one who understands every word which his wife didn't say.

No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.

I wish someone would tear you down and put up a human being.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.

Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on.