My sister is so ugly, she could make Ray Charles flinch.
Never argue with an idiot - folks might not be able to tell the difference.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the one that made it.
Sometimes I just can't prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.
I'm so horny, I get aroused when I squeeze into a tight parking place.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects.
I'm a procrastinator. I didn't get my birthmark until I was eight years old.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn't you rather have the money?
Love is grand. Divorce is ten grand.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my penis.
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
They say that love is the answer, but sex raises some pretty good questions.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.
My wife is so bored with sex, she only moans during commercial breaks.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately.