Knowledge is knowing tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a Fruit Salad
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said; After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
Whoever said the hand is quicker than the eye obviously never tried rolling them down a ramp.
I'm as happily married as a husband can get
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainmeners to be educational.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege... only a married person can get divorced.
If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
At 65, you begin to regret the sins you did not commit.
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist.
My wife is so skinny, she can tread water in a garden hose.