I started seeing a therapist. She didn't know I was seeing her. That was kinda fun.
Some people are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make.
My hometown is so tough, gun shops have "Back to School" sales.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I don't really like cocaine...I just like the way it smells.
Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.
Men must have invented maps. Who else would make an inch into a mile?
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."
Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease.
Just remember...You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
Buy your lottery tickets the day after the drawing for half price. You have just as much chance of winning.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
Remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll? I think it was called 'Rumpled Foreskin'
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
A pessimist is a man who feels that all women are bad. An optimist hopes so.
Did any of you married people out there ever wonder whether it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?