I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
I know I'm getting old... last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
Many women who think they have purchased a dress for a ridiculous price, have actually bought it for an absurd figure.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
To err is human, to forgive is highly unlikely.
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
I stopped at two gas stations today. I robbed the first one so I could pay the second.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round, but it does make the ride worthwhile.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Drinking alcoholic beverages before pregnancy can lead to pregnancy.