I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called ?
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
It's not pretty being easy.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
If you do something you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!
A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
They say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who rested to death?
If it's not going according to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
There's a big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good.
I'm so old that when I was in school, history was called current affairs.
Bad breath is better than no breath at all.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at .
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Never argue with your wife. Just dicker.