If you can remain calm at my job, you just don't have all the facts.
Never try to drown your sorrows, especially if she can swim.
When I die, bury me on my stomach and let the world kiss my ass.
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week, we go to a nice restaurant, she goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
The best exercise: reach down and pull somebody up.
Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
Pandemonium doesn't reign here ...it pours.
Some people are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make.
It takes about ten years to get used to how old you are.
To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Learn from your parents' mistakes ...use birth control.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
I once won an argument with a woman... in this dream I had.
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
I either want less corruption or more chances to participate in it.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows.