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The best exercise: reach down and pull somebody up.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

There's a big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good.

At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless.

Someday you will get your big chance...or have you already had it?

What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Keep America beautiful...properly dispose of your lawyer.

If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

Love is like a machine...sometimes you need a good screw to fix it.

I'm not a complete idiot - parts of me are missing.

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.

A word to the wise isn't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

When they say "instant credit" don't they actually mean "instant debt"?

Don't teach your children the value of a dollar. If they find out , they'll ask for two

Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

I've wanted to run away from home more since I became a parent than when I was a child.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.