Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you exercise.
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
My complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Just remember...You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
They put a new machine in at my gym that provides all my needs. KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers.
My sister is so fat, she could jump up in the air and get stuck
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!
If all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from?
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.
If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade, would it go both ways?