Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker ?
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.
I wonder what God was thinking when he came up with the idea of pubic hair.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
People tell me I'm childish but I think they're just being poopyheads.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
Have you seen the latest Jane Fonda video ? It's called Didn't Work Out.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
I love to give homemade gifts...which one of the kids would you like?
Some people are discovered, others are found out.
I am not honking because I love Jesus - I'm honking 'cause you can't drive
At rifle competitions, the best team always wins by a long shot.
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
When I was a kid, I had so many pimples, blind people would try to read my face.
Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
I'm not saying you're lazy, but you should try out for "American Idle."
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.