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I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the one that made it.

The Ford Motor Company is unveiling a car with a body entirely made of plastic. I believe they're calling it the Cher.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Do unto others... then bill them for it.

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

My wife is mad at me. I told her she had a run in her nylons, but she wasn't wearing any.

If stupidity got me into this mess, then why can't it get me out?

I always thought music was more important than sex. Then I thought, "if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me".

I tried to go see a pirate movie, but they wouldn't let me in. It was rated arrrrrr!

Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the management.

Never buy a Rolex from someone who is out of breath.

The average person thinks he isn't.

Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disabled teachers.

Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

I find that planning my future saves me from regretting my past.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

I want my children to have all things I couldn't afford: Then I'll move in with them.

Life is sexually transmitted.