Make a firm decision now...you can always change it later.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but how much it's going to cost for them to do it.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, beat it at kickboxing.
Did you ever notice that there are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses.
Experience: what you get when you don't get what you want.
Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.
The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods overseas. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
You ever notice that the word 'engaged' has the word 'gag' in the middle of it?
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project.
I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.
A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my penis.
I am at one with my duality.
To some its a six-pack, to me its a support group.