To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is a like having a peeing section in a pool.
Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?
Always do the right thing. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror... with a cop in it.
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo.
People are like tea bags. They don't realize their strength until they are in hot water.
If my computer performs one more illegal operation, I'm going to report it to the authorities.
I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
I told the guy at the auto-parts store I wanted a windshield wiper for my Yugo. He said, That sounds like a fair trade.
I will always love the false image I had of you.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
I'm as happily married as a husband can get
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.