In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
You're not a complete idiot... there are still some parts missing!
Your mother should have thrown you away and kept the stork.
Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company.
Don't criticize your wife. If she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.
If stupidity got me into this mess, then why can't it get me out?
AOL reminds me of an old girlfriend. Just when I think the connection has been established, it suddenly says, Goodbye.
As I was wheeled into the operating room, I was begining to have a change of heart.
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
Some women are terribly hard to please...the rest are impossible!
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
People with dogs are too cowardly to bite for themselves.
Do deaf gynecologists read lips?
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I gave up on computing dating after I was stood up by two mainframes, a PC, and a laptop.
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.