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A speech is like a bicycle wheel -- the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.

Visa is everywhere you want to be...except out of debt.

They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.

After the first of the year, I will start using my Muslim name...Seldom Bin Laid.

It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

Dear women who are awesome, smart, sexy and deeply in love with me; Please start existing.

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, while others only gargle.

We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainmeners to be educational.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I drove my wife to the airport.

Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.

Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I started seeing a therapist. She didn't know I was seeing her. That was kinda fun.

My uncle survived the sinking of the Titanic...he grabbed a bar of soap and washed himself ashore.

When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.

The real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life...provided we get cable tv.

Why don't you slip into something more a coma.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible.

We wanted a house that looked lived in, so we bought all our furniture from the YMCA.