God gave men muscles because he gave women strength.
I told my date that she was like a fine wine...and I am like a corkscrew.
There is nothing wrong with California that the San Andreas fault cannot cure.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
My wife not only fakes orgasms, she fakes cooking and housekeeping too.
When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.
I've reached the age where "happy hour" is a nap.
Sometimes I think that the only way you can get stupider is to get bigger.
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off!
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door one ?
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost.
We Capricorns don't believe in horoscopes.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
It was two years ago today I lost my wife. I'll never forget that card game
I hate cooking so much, I don't even butter my bread.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
When I was young we used to go skinny dipping. Nowadays I just chunky dunk.